 |
Hey, Moe-Poke Me in the
Eye!
This article was forwarded to the Public Citizen Health Research Group Health Letter. April 1997 issue, from the Internet by Michael A. In gall, M.D., a psychiatrist and choral singer in Providence, R.L
| Q. | I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? |
| A. | Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories-those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry-the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! |
| Q. | What does HMO stand for? |
| A. | This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. |
| Q. | Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? |
| A. | No. Only those you need. |
| Q. | What are pre-existing conditions? |
| A. | This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. |
| Q. | Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? |
| A. | Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. |
| Q. | What happens if I want to try alternative forms of 'medicine? |
| A. | You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. |
| Q. | My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? |
| A. | Poke yourself in the eye. |
| Q. | I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? |
| A. | You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him/her to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. |
| Q. | What should I do if I get sick while traveling? |
| A. | Try sitting in a different part of the bus. |
| Q. | No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? |
| A. | You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. |
| Q. | I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he/she can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office? |
| A. | Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him/her a shot at it, eh? |
| Q. | What accounts for the largest portion of health-care costs? |
| A. | Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. |
| Q. | Will health care be any different in the next century? |
| A. | No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then. |
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